Half Way

This week has been a gift to myself,
Sometime either at the tail end of last week or at the beginning of this something changed in my head.
I was tired of dreading going to yoga, of feeling injured, of hating the heat, of the crowded thoughts in my brain, of feeling cold the rest of the day because my hair stays wet, and all of it. But basically just tired of it being a chore to go to yoga. Even though I know it's good for me, it has been a fight.
This week, I decided I had to change something in order to enjoy what I was doing, or improvement, peace, and change was never going to come. I knew that if it is something I am looking forward to avoiding, then after these 90 days there is no chance of keeping up any sort of regular practice. I don't do things that I hate regularly, unless I really, REALLY have to.
I don't know how it came to me -- how to change that feeling. It wasn't a "go easy on yourself" per se.
It was about staying with the breath and making that the most important focus of my practice. Breathing in, and breathing out.
You know how they say never sacrifice form for depth?
Well, I have been sacrificing breathing form for depth, and that has made my mind a hot, frenetic, and frustrated place during yoga. There is no stillness in a posture if you are pushing only your body without calming your mind.
I picked up Bikram's newer book to see what he had to say, to get some more motivation and just some direct instruction to hopefully unlock some of the postures (Awkward II is perhaps my weakest...some days I can get up on my toes and other days even that is a challenge).
The book has been a good reminder, but what I found that was more important were the sections before and after the description, keys, and benefits to the 26 postures and two breathing exercises.
What interested me (which I had almost forgotten has always interested me in yoga), were the parts about unifying the body and mind, "killing yourself" -- meaning your ego, and preparing your strong, flexible beautiful body and calm, open mind to be ready for your true Self, your spirit, and your connection to the energy of the universe to enter and reveal itself.
Bikram's Yoga, maybe by nature of the class structure, has never seemed like a meditation. I have held a pre-conceived idea that Bikram is for a-type extremists. The people who love it are the people who like punishing their bodies with too much exercise, or swearing at themselves in their heads if they don't do something right.
It's hard, in that heat, not to have heated thoughts, but that is part of the yoga. As important (more!) than if my body gets all the way back in Camel today, is keeping my mind present, my breathing normal, and my thoughts on my current actions.

I am starting to notice the changes taking place in my body more this week. But I am happier about the changes that are starting to take place in my soul. This might be the most important journey to take -- cleaning house and preparing my holy temple.