As for myself, I felt dizzy even before class began. As I was doing my Energy Routine I recognized how off balance I was and did my best to try and remedy that. My next door neighbour (as far as mats go), was a relative newbie I met in the changeroom and she said she was having a lot of difficulty focusing. I said I was feeling dizzy, and wondered maybe I was picking up on her vibes or vice-versa because I had a heck of a time in Savasana quieting my mind and letting go.
My will was very strong today, but my body felt very weak. A few contributing factors I considered were -- another poor night's sleep, listening to headphones while cycling to yoga(that can probably throw your qi off, no?), not eating enough the previous day, general physical fatigue from my new yoga-life (I know it gets better), and the new moon draining me...( like a vampire??)
I know that last one sounds like a long stretch and maybe a bit esoteric for most people, but ever since I read my first Tom Robbins book in University, I have wanted to cycle with the moon (it's on my 100-things-to-do-before-I-die list!). I experience moderate to severe menstrual cramps EVERY MONTH since I was fourteen, and I don't think that it's healthy. I know that it's "normal" to have cramps, but I don't think everything is balanced if I am experiencing this kind of pain every 28 days. Or any. I have long searched for ways to be at peace with my cycle, I don't get especially moody-- sensitive, yes, a day or two before (like crying at long-distance phone carrier commercials kind of sensitive), but really the cramps are the worst of it. I am hoping the yoga helps to clear out some of whatever is making this unhappiness in my abdomen.
On my bike ride today I was already feeling sensitive, and actually cried a bit while listening to the album I had recently downloaded in order to prepare for a callback coming up at the end of the month. This wouldn't be so weird, as music often moves us -- especially when we block off other emotional avenues -- but the song that did is was around the two forty-five minute mark of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sPU3ymk2ms&feature=related
Hmm.
So my whole class was wobbly and weak but I had a few good moments -- Awkward II , though feeling its full namesake, actually cut me a break, and I managed to get up on my toes and then down in the...stool. I fight that one every time, and have always found it really challenging, which insults my ego cause I grew up dancing. I had a glorious moment and a half in Standing Bow Pulling, but was all over the place for the rest of the 58.5 "moments" of the posture. I tried to work really hard at Pranayama, I just couldn't sink my breath down -- so I'm getting good at filling up the top of my lungs really deeply, but haven't unlocked filling up from the bottom of my lungs yet. My whole class felt right up in my chest, which makes sense with the wobbles.
When I got to Dhanurasana today, I was aware of what I had written yesterday about this posture and I just cried. I cried right before, I cried when I heard "Dhanurasana" (that's not even my name!) and I cried as I held my feet and didn't kick. I didn't feel anything really, which seems odd, what I did feel was my throbbing stomach and tears coming. I gave it what I could the second time around but my muscles gave up for me right near the end.
It was a hard class, and although it did go quickly, it somehow managed to be never-ending at the same time. I couldn't clear my head in final Savasana, and was displeased by the frenetic energy of my mind, and the inability to sink into my lower body, while simultaneously feeling that part of me needed desperately to be fed by water, fuel, anything! I drank a ton out of class and had to sit a bit cause I was beat. I had some electrolytes and my little arnica balls, but no matter how much water I poured in, it only seemed to fill my chest up, nothing was getting to the throb or beyond.
On the way home I started to get some abdomen cramping, exactly like what I experience every month, only not so severe, and I bled a little. It's another two weeks til I'm due for another period, but as far as my body and the moon are concerned, my period should be starting today with the new moon.
It is just interesting to observe the body and see the possible connections -- whether or not they are in actuality related.
Tomorrow -- last day of my first full week. I told myself if I could complete one full week, I can make it through this experiment. One day at a time, one week at a time. Hopefully, Andrea is teaching tomorrow's class before she heads back to Toronto, so I can siphon her strength (and her collarbones from heaven!), to end the week on a strong class.
Regardless, nothing will stop me from achieving this first goal (no matter how small it seems!), and even though I felt really weak today, I am proud of the strength of will I have shown myself, and proud of my body for being present for the journey. I know there will be hard days -- there will be harder days than today, but I am prepared to allow myself to have hard days. It's a practice, after all.
The way out is the way through.
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