I went to the 11am, which I was under good authority Andrea would be teaching (cause I asked her the day before when we took Gabe's class if she would be teaching again before leaving), and universe-on-my-side, she was.
I gave everything I had right from Pranayama, and really focused on opening my throat to get as full a pair of lungs as possible. Unfortunately for my desire to feel like an unstoppable warrior of peace, my "everything" petered out pretty darn quick, and I had thoughts that ranged from desperate to utter despair, as the mat seemed to be calling me to it more and more sweetly as class progressed.
Fatigue aside, I was pretty strong in my standing bow for maybe half the posture, and that felt good.
Other than that, I felt drained, weak (though not too wobbly), emotionally and physically exhausted -- I cried through a fair amount of the floor work -- and just utterly spent.
A special nod goes to Camel for my first ever dry-heaving in class.
I am sure I would have lied on my mat the whole class, and felt like a complete failure (in fairness, I was proud of myself for just getting in the room for the 5th time in a row), if it was not for the somehow simultaneously strong, gentle, motivating and zen voice of Andrea speaking on some different level to my body just making it go (maybe more on auto-pilot than I would have liked -- but moving and fighting nonetheless). There are some teachers that just do it for you. I think she has a voice and spirit that simply speaks to mine.
When I realized I had reached the end of the class and therefore the end of my first week -- that I had achieved my first goal, and thus that no goal is unreachable for me -- that I will make it through 90 days without giving up, or spontaneously dissolving -- I cried.
I cried in Savasana, I cried walking down the hall on wobbly legs, I cried in the shower.
Every time I thought of the meaning of this baby accomplishment, it was though all of my feelings of failure, weakness or inadequacy came rushing back. But were met head on with the undeniable truth that I can accomplish what I put my mind to. I am not as weak willed as I thought. I cried out of pride, and out of the new life I am working towards.
So what if I was weak and wanted to give up. I didn't give up, and that makes me strong.
<insert inspirational Shakti image here>
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